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ME

Itapos;s always me isnapos;t it?
Too enthusiastic about making friends online.
Too emotional and impatient when it comes to relationships.
Too many problems bugging me,affecting my mood.
Should just try to drop them off.

My emotional load was too much last night.
Just had to drop it.
Went for a longer-than-usual run.
Self-torture.
Drank milk tea,plus a can of lemon barley,and ate kimchi instant noodle.
Now Iapos;m suffering the consequences.

Am withdrawing from everybody.
Am too sick and tired of everything.
Just realized I�am too naive.
It doesnapos;t seems to matter if you like someone in a relationship isnapos;t it?
Liking someone who does not like you.
F***,why do I�have to experience it twice.
I�hate it.
I bet itapos;s MY�fault again.
Who can understand ME?
Itapos;s always ME, ME�and more ME.
To hell with all these problems.

Friends,
I donapos;t know how many of them I can depend on when I meet with emotional crisis.

Celebrated my self-proclaimed best friendapos;s birthday on Wed.
I came to realize that it doesnapos;t matter being nice.
U can be nice to them,but not necessary they will reciprocate that same feelings.
Petty, Insensitive, childish.
Whichever term you used on me,I still feel neglected, lost, hurt.
Perhaps,thatapos;s my life.
Lonely, and everything bad.

I shall be my own superhero.
I�shall hold my own problems from now onwards.
I shall bother no one in future.
I�shall depend on no one.
I�shall myself,defend me.

Who the hell needs love.




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cd dash in jvc receiver

Glad mid term week is over. Geeeezzz...

i have one more test, but itapos;s a take home. Eheh.

i need to catch up on my dvd watching. I miss those days where i would plop myself on the couch and just waste a few hours of my day... Well, waste? i donapos;t know. Thereapos;s just something about watching movies that make your day so much more chill.

and iapos;ve been crazy than usual lately. I need to step up my game. I canapos;t let these days just pass hoping something will happen. Iapos;ve been told that i should wait and just let things flow, but how do you deal w something when timeapos;s hardcore limited? i fucking hate this shit, but at the same time i freaking love it

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Routine breeds a fair amount of steady contentedness for me. I was thinking about this today, as I was cruising away from a job interview that went pretty well. I donapos;t know if it is luck or not, but Iapos;d like to think itapos;s the years of various medications and tribulations that have whittled away my sense of panic and exposed a crusty, apathetic, core. Once upon a time, and still occasionally during my weaker moments, contentedness was not nearly enough, but I think now Iapos;ve learned that itapos;s rare for a person to even achieve something so mediocre and boring, let alone something resembling consistent happiness.

Lately every time I get into some sort of trouble, it just canapos;t seem important to me. Iapos;ll roll it around in my head and I might even open my mouth and complain, but I simply cannot dwell on anything more than a day or so. Even when I want to. Money, employment, quality of life... I really should be concerned about these. I donapos;t have a job right now and I donapos;t have much money and what I do have I plan on boozing and partying it away this weekend. I know Iapos;m generally a smart person. I know what to say, I land on my feet. It just seems like Iapos;m not smart enough to bring back a human element of myself that I might need in case things get worse, which they just might.

In other news, I was just sitting here typing when a spider came dropping down from my bangs, onto my keyboard. It was just a little spider and Iapos;m not a afraid of anything, so I let it go ahead and do itapos;s thing.

Tomorrow night I am going camping at what was formally a nude beach in San Onofre. I am hoping there is savage dancing around the bonfire and that the vegans donapos;t try to make carob, veganmallow smores. Just seems incorrect. I made the birthday girl a fabulous giraffe brooch out of fake flowers and ribbons that I stole Wynona-style the other day. Because I canapos;t not-love her, I may just buy her some whiskey in a plastic bottle to accompany her giraffe pin.

I am going to another really awesome girlapos;s birthday party in LA on Saturday, but I do not have a date, so Iapos;m flying solo for the evening. This might drastically cut into how much I can drink, which will make me a hell of a lot less likely to make a spectacle of myself, but I have a feeling I will end up sitting nervously in a corner, intimidated by the other guestsapos; intense flavor.

Next weekend Iapos;ll be going to a Mountain Goats show in Hollywood. Itapos;s embarrassing, seeing as how Iapos;m the anti-indie. Bring on the vicoders, the corporations, the Republicans, but I do really like the Mountain Goats and I think Iapos;ll have a really good time at the show. The music always makes me feel romantic and wistful. I hope Patrick is good to me that evening. He tends to get unbearable when weapos;re around other people, which is really just fine. Itapos;s easier to plan affairs Iapos;ll never have if I have people around to base them on.

Thing is, if John Darnielle is singing about dilaudin and collapsing stars, I may blur the line between fantasy and reality and have an affair with his songs.

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12:45

Where in the hells is everyone?
I know you canapos;t ALL be at work.

Anyway, posting during the 15 minutes remaining of my lunch break.
Only took me 15 minutes to go downstairs, buy food, eat it, and get back up here. Iapos;m sure thatapos;s unhealthy on some level. If not physically then at least mentally with the idea that I donapos;t enjoy my damn food and just jam it down my throat.
Also pretty sure going up 22 floors is giving me vertigo or something. Always feel dizzy when I get to my desk.

So, news.
Iapos;m...well.
Work feels like a regular routine now. Iapos;ve settled in quite nicely, I think. Also getting that feeling that time is leaking away. There should be more of it...somewhere, but I canapos;t seem to spot it.
Life at home is fine. Havenapos;t found a place to move out of home into yet, but thatapos;s entirely due to my laziness in searching for a place. Also have to consider several options.
For one - the new first home buyerapos;s grant that Rudd has unzipped and whipped out onto the table is tempting. Canapos;t sneer at $14,000. Thereapos;s the $21,000 one for a newly built home, but thereapos;s a shit load of strings tied to it with the chance of getting sweet fuck all if itapos;s not built by...July next year or some shit. With that, plus my mum going in guarantor, I could quite possibly get myself half-decent. Maybe a unit in Blacktown or something. But that comes with the strings attached of talking finances with my mother (an accountant - not to mistaken with a financial planner), and being sure that I can cover the repayments of that magnitude.
Another option was to have my mum buy a place and me rent it. This comes with the advantages of not restricting myself to only rental properties on the market, knowing my landlord wonapos;t screw me over, and having the peace of mind that my mother is investing her money properly so she has enough when she retires. But my mother is not much of a risk taker, on any level. Meaning it will take months before sheapos;ll be satisfied that a particular property is a safe investment, by which time it will have already been sold.
So that leaves the original option - stop being a lazy fuck and watch the damn rental market instead of just collapsing in front of the TV every night.

Speaking of which, I got a new TV. One of dem fanceh Ahche-Dee Ell-Cee-Dees dat day goes on apos;bouts on the tuube.
Itapos;s damn shiny. But I think it says something about me that Iapos;m not so much impressed by the quality of the picture, as I am impressed by the way I can now hook it up to all my various devices with ease...EXCEPT our old Hi-FI system. Some genius thought you wouldnapos;t want to output the sound from the HD tuner into a better set of speakers then the built in ones. And I canapos;t send the sound from the PS3 to the hi-fi cause it wonapos;t accept a...optical...digital...sound output, I can never remember the damn standard.

So yeah. Iapos;m doing pretty good, I guess, if thatapos;s the extent of my concerns.
Better get back to work.

R. X. Rolaveric
Itapos;s a million to one chance...
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arch branchial

So I wake up this morning to take my car into the dealership at 7:30 this morning for service and inspection and on the way I decided, fuck it, itapos;s my birthday Iapos;m not going to work.

So I didnapos;t.

I went shopping instead and bought myself a pair of grey suede slouchy boots and some new Chuck Taylorapos;s. I also went to see The Duchess. What a sad fucking movie. There were moments I was so enraged, I clenched my fists and squirmed in my seat to keep from screaming. The complete lack of rights and helplessness just got to me.

By the time the movie was over my car was ready. Thank god for an extended warranty. It was going to be over $500 dollars to replace these oxygen sensor thingyapos;s, but it only ran $150 with the inspection + deductible.

So, Iapos;m happy, cruising down Lemmon, when this lady runs a red light and HITS ME. WTF do I have a huge target on me?? I need to sell my car and move somewhere that doesnapos;t require driving b/c itapos;s not working out for me so well. Between not having a bumper and now a caved in passenger door my shiny pretty Audi is FUCKED UP right now. Serves me right for trying to be fancy.

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